Too often, divorce is downright ugly. It is never going to be pleasant, let's be real. There are all kinds of things at play. For some, infidelity. For others, betrayal and hurt...maybe even outright hatred. The death of love is a raw and heart-breaking thing.
Having just gone through all the turbulent emotions that come along with a divorce, I get it.
There is going to be a temptation, perhaps on the part of one or both partners, to exact a little revenge for insults both real and imagined.
There is nothing wrong with being tempted by revenge. Sometimes just thinking hateful thoughts make you feel a little better. I wrote a few nasty notes that I kept to myself, and have since destroyed.
There is everything wrong with acting on it, however. And we all know it.
It is not OK to light his or her, clothes or car or both, on fire. Satisfying? Maybe...but not OK. Live vicariously through Angela Basset, if you find yourself tempted. It's a great scene, and you will not recreate it to the same effect, I promise. You may even find yourself in jail.
I will admit, I got a bit emotional in mine. I was hurt, and though I tried to keep a lid on it, I lost it once or twice. Most of my anger was turned inward, which is something I have realized I need to stop doing, for my own well-being.
But focusing it on someone else is inappropriate, too, and I am guilty of doing exactly that. When I lashed out, it only hurt me, and I get to accept responsibility for it, and be embarrassed by it. And I am.
I am fortunate in that ultimately, James and I are completely decent people. We divorced with no attorneys needed, and no one got hosed. We talk a lot, and have turned a terrible situation into a pretty solid friendship. He even had a Squatty Potty sent to my new digs for Christmas, and believe me, I was overjoyed. I LOVE that stupid thing.
When there are kids involved, too many people start using them as pawns, or even weapons against one another. While that may also feel justified, you are irrevocably hurting those kids when you pull that kind of stunt.
Your children do not deserve to be used, and for those who are, while they may not understand the finer points of the situation, they are well aware that mom and dad are at war, and they are the cannon fodder.
You might tell yourself that your spouse has it coming. And while your spouse may, in fact, be the worst human being on the planet...to your kids, they are Mom or Dad. Don't worry, they will figure out soon enough that their parents are human. Don't help. Really, resist the temptation to make your soon-to-be-ex into a villain.
You married them. You had children with them. You chose that person, for better or worse. Well, this is the worst, and no matter who did what to whom, you owe it to the children you chose to have, to shield them from the worst.
This man has the divorce thing down. He treats his ex wife as someone that he respects and likes, and in turn, that means his sons are both learning how women should be treated, under every circumstance. He is making sure they know how a real man acts.
He is inspiring and wonderful, and it's all about his children. I am inspired to be a better woman, by this man I do not know.