Dear Facebook: STOP With the Dating "Advice!"

They flash up when I am going through my news feed. "The things you are doing to TURN HIM OFF!" "How to get that man to COMMIT!" "The ten things you do to MAKE HIM RUN!" 

Well, that and the occasional lingerie ad, featuring bras that are nowhere near my size...or sticky things with strings attached that I am absolutely, positively sure, do NOT lift those bad boys up to your chin. But, I digress. 

I will admit to my curiosity getting the best of me, and clicking on one or two, just to see what in the Sam Hill they are talking about. It's gibberish, most of it. It's like a bad Cosmo article from the '80's positing that you are in charge of how other people feel about you. 

Some of these sites recommend being, by turns, a raving lunatic witch, and a sycophantic ass. I will admit to the occasional lapse into Witchy-poo territory, but I usually have to be goaded into it. 

Sycophancy, conversely, is barely in my vocabulary. I had to look up the noun-form.

On paper, (or, Facebook,) I must be one seething, hot mess. 

Apparently, the reason no one wants me to have their pretty babies, is because I am a needy, clingy nightmare, with absolutely no prospects for a bright future, unless it includes a wedding ring. Apparently after I get the ring, I will be financially secure enough to buy Chanel shades, Tom Ford lipstick, and a zippy little car. And have pretty babies. Well, that is good to know. 

Erm, I am a bit past the age where  pregnancy is going to happen, no matter how enthusiastic the attempt. Let's call it, biology, for lack of a better term. And a marked lack of interest, ever, in having anyone's pretty babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just never been my thing. Oh, and if I desire Tom Ford Lipstick and Chanel shades, I will buy them myself.  I will admit, I do love the SHINY

The OTHER reason that I am languishing alone, apparently, is because I don't play enough games to convince men that I am an International Woman of Mystery. Or a Special and Pretty Pretty Princess. That, frankly, sounds like too much work.

It's pretty appalling. You can't manipulate people into loving...or even liking you. They will or they won't, and you shouldn't give the know, whether they do. 

I have a better plan, and it is going swimmingly. Be happy. Live your life. Love your friends. Get out and do stuff that gives you joy. Worry about anything other than having a date tonight. You know what most people are attracted to? People who like themselves. People who inhabit their skin like a boss. Be that..

Now go forth, and enjoy...but before you do succumb to that stupid sticky bra with the laces up the front, I am going to need you to see what Antonella the Uncensored Reviewer had to say about it. 

NOT SAFE FOR WORK...yet hilarious. If you are easily offended, skip Antonella, and trust me. Underwires, or they are heading due south.