You Should Play With Your Boobs More Often

Creams and fillers and masks, oh my!  

I have succumbed to vanity. My divorce has shaken my confidence. I look in the mirror, and I think there are a few things I would like to get done. Things that would make me feel better about the person looking back at me in the mirror. I feel like I look old. Which is weird, because I actually feel very young...

 Lest you think I'm all talk, a couple of weeks ago I actually drove to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, a friend of Ted's, no less, to get an estimate on what some body work would cost. I nearly keeled over, but hey, it ain't gonna be cheap no matter what I decide to do...or where. It's the if, really. And that brings me to this: 

 I don't know any woman of a certain age who hasn't paused in the mirror and done a little pull of the cheeks, seeing if a snip wouldn't bring that jawline back; if a tuck wouldn't get rid of the frowny-lines around the mouth.  Well, Saturday, before getting ready for the day, I was standing in front of the mirror, and yes, this is embarrassing, but I was holding my boobs where they were when I was 20. 

This is not where they currently reside, and while I'm not that grandma with the long flat pancakes in Playboy cartoons of yore...the girls have been around for 50 years. I've also lost a lot of weight, and know. 

 So I am standing there estimating just how high they should be, (very,) and how big, (not sure yet but a D seems reasonable. Right now, they are...well, bigger,) and that's when I feel it.  

The air whooshed out of me, and the blood drained out of my head and  if the bed hadn't been behind me, I'm pretty sure I would have dropped right onto my butt.  I didn't cry, which seems odd, because I've been on the verge of tears for months. Hell, I've been a slobbering sniveling mess for months.  

What I was, was pissed. The first thing that went through my head was, how did I not feel this before? I've spent the last 6 months trying to figure out how to pay to drag them back up where they used to be. How in the Sam Hill did I not know that lump was there?  

So, this morning I'm going to make the scariest phone call I have ever made, to my doctor. It's probably nothing. Really. 

But let me tell you, if it's something, I will hack the girls off so fast they won't know what hit them. To the good, I wouldn't have to worry where to put them anymore. So, there's that.  

Ladies, do me a favor. Play with your boobs today. If you have a significant other, let them do it. Explore the topography together. Who cares how you do it, just do it. I feel really stupid right now. 

Photo Credits: Getty Images, LaDona Harvey



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