I remember watching a screening of The Hitman’s Bodyguard at CinemaCon in 2017. Salma Hayek came out to introduce it, and about halfway through the movie, I wondered if the crowd was laughing and applauding so much because they knew Hayek was there. I leaned in and told my wife I didn’t think the jokes were working. She agreed, and neither of us could figure out why the crowd was so enthusiastic. The story certainly didn’t warrant a sequel, though the movie made money at the box office -- and Ryan Reynolds is well past his Green Lantern days and in the throes of his Dead Pool success. So it makes sense that the studio would want to go for a cash grab.
Three writers gave us this script, and of the 100 jokes thrown out, I only remember two working. One was a reference to the Goldie Hawn movie Overboard. Another was seeing Samuel L. Jackson at the opera Carmen and falling asleep. That’s a joke that’s been done before, but watching his buggy eyes as a loud moment wakes him up, was still funny.
If memory serves, in the original, Reynold’s bodyguard character, Michael Bryce, was just a bit neurotic and fussy. In this movie, his character is so annoying with his nonsensical, incessant whining. He’s also a push-over, letting Darius Kincaid (Jackson) and his crazy wife (Hayek) lock him in the trunk of the car so they can have sex. Okay.
Director Patrick Hughes was behind the first mess of a movie, and this even bigger mess (his resume also includes The Expendables 3).
I’m guessing in this day and age, many won’t be happy with how Hayek is a bit objectified and stereotyped. I was surprised that they thought just having her match Jackson with the amount of M-Fing curse words out of her mouth, would equal comedy. Or that she’s so stupid she thinks the reason she can’t conceive a kid is because she has - well it’s too foul for publication.
It was mildly amusing hearing Hayek curse up a storm in Sausage Party, but that’s because we hadn’t heard her do that before, and it was a wacky animated film from the demented brain of comedian Seth Rogen. In fact, every actor in this movie has played these exact characters in other films. Not to mention, Hayek has been very vocal in how Latinx characters are portrayed on screen. Perhaps she should have done a better job reading this script.
Any critics out there that give this a good review, are critics you should no longer pay attention to. There is nothing about this film that makes it an enjoyable experience. There was no chemistry between any of these characters. The stunts weren’t that interesting and were edited poorly. And when you can’t even enjoy the glamorous locations or fun fight sequences, what is the point?
The plot makes little sense, too. Michael is a bodyguard that lost his license, but still dreams about winning awards for being the best bodyguard. He goes to a shrink, who tells him to stop stressing and having nightmares over this. He’s told to not use a gun and take a vacation, to a place like Capri. He excitedly says, “Like the pants?”
Yes folks, those are the types of jokes you get with this movie.
Anyway, back to the plot. The European Union in Luxembourg, has issued sanctions on Greece. This prompts a Greek billionaire (played by Antonio Banderas with a wacky wig), to get revenge.
Michael gets sucked back into the hitman’s world when Darius’ wife begs for his help in rescuing her husband.
There’s also a Croatian computer hacker, who is blowing various places up. There’s an agent from Boston (the usually reliable Frank Grillo), who acts like a sexist pig, and it makes little sense why he’s even involved, other than to make fun of a Scottish translator. Not one of his scenes is funny.
It’s also a shame that Richard E. Grant, who shows up for a few scenes, doesn’t make this any more fun. Neither does Morgan Freeman, who plays a dad. I was almost tempted to give the movie a star, because he has a red Jaguar XKE like the one I used to own, but...they end up setting the car on fire, so I’m taking the star away.
We get a film filled with silly arguments, goofy shoot-outs that are supposed to be funny (Hey look, they’re on a scooter trying to make their getaway).
Hayek and Banderas were in the Robert Rodriguez movies Once Upon a Time in Mexico and Desperado. This is not the reunion I wanted for these two. In fact, since all the actors in this seemed to be phoning it in, it made me think of Nicolas Cage. We all make fun of him for the countless crappy movies he gives us. He’ll do anything for a paycheck. Yet with Morgan Freeman and Samuel Jackson in this...it makes me realize each of them has done a lot of bad movies. Perhaps they should start being made fun of in the same way Nic Cage is. I contend it’s actually worse when they do garbage, because when Cage is in a movie called Ghost Rider 3, or Pay the Ghost, or anything with a movie poster where he’s holding a gun or on a motorcycle, we just laugh and avoid it. If Jackson or Freeman are in a movie, we expect a level of quality. In this picture, we don’t get that.
It does have one thing that made me like it better than the first movie. It was 25 minutes shorter!
0 stars, and it will be on the “worst of the year” list for me.