Every few minutes, this movie got worse and worse. It started right off the bat with the title – Quantumania. Did filmmakers not learn anything from the worst James Bond title ever: Quantum of Solace? Q words are great in Scrabble, but horrible for film titles.
Once the movie started, and it was with one of the worst songs (and TV themes) of all time – Welcome Back by John Sebastian. As Paul Rudd strolls down the street like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, taking selfies with dogs…you realize this is going to be bad. And, it got worse than I could’ve imagined.
Jonathan Majors is a great actor, who has appeared in bad movies (Devotion, Da 5 Bloods). He’s doing that again here, as a villain that, like in most superhero movies – wants to destroy everything in the universe and can’t be defeated. His character is Kang the Conqueror. Many times, his facial expressions and syntax made me think of Denzel Washington.
Ant-Man’s daughter Cassie (Kathryn Newton) has created a device that can send messages to the Quantum Realm (side note: I was tired of these multiverses about 3 movies ago). Michelle Pfeiffer’s character freaks out about this, because there were things she didn’t tell them. So they all get sucked into that world, and hijinks ensue! We watch as the filmmakers borrow from things like The Black Hole, Rick and Morty, and mostly, Star Wars.
We learn that Janet (Pfeiffer) was once friends with Kang and they worked together trying to escape until she discovers his goal is to destroy all planets and timelines. She then sabotages his plan. We also see that Janet got around in the Realm. Her old fling shows up, played by Bill Murray. While some might find his character funny, to me it just takes you out of the movie. (But here’s a Pfeifer fun fact: with Kang having a huge scar across his face, she’s now appeared in two movies with people that have a scar face.)
When Michael Douglas showed up, my wife leaned in and said, “This superhero movie might have the oldest cast ever assembled.”
I whispered back to her, “Who is that woman? She’s beautiful.”
She told me it was Evangeline Lily, from the show Lost (which she loved, and I never watched).
Looking at her was about the only enjoyment I had in the film. I was reminded of an art teacher I had at Wangenheim Junior High in Mira Mesa, named Mrs. Brewski; but I digress.
During movie screenings, most of us critics write lots of notes. I’m looking at my notes and one of them says: I don’t know what I’m watching, but it’s bad CGI and stupid as hell.
A better quote is from Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune. He said, “Midway through, as everyone on screen was restating their interest in getting home again, I thought: same!”
Yep.
This two hour mess has an uneven tone, dumb dialogue, and lots of superhero cliches. There were a few witty wisecracks, but not much else. It will surely be making an appearance on my “worst of” list at the end of the year.
½ a star out of 5, and that’s only for Evangeline Lilly’s pretty face. If she was actually given something to do other than stand around (same with Paul Rudd), perhaps it would have scored higher.