I wasn’t thrilled to sit and write the review for this movie. I just watched it, and it was two and a half hours long. It had too many stories crammed in. It had too many jokes that didn’t work (a few did, though). It did have a few touching moments; yet I think that anything I might say about the stories could be potential spoiler alerts. These movies, like most films these days, try to seem hip with their needle-drops, but I ask…do we really need another movie playing Heart and Radiohead? Sure it was cool hearing Rainbow, X, The Beastie Boys, and ending things with Florence & The Machines. So, in honor of the most disappointing of the trilogy of films, I’ll review it in the form of a song, since the segments that worked the best were finding out the original story of Rocket Raccoon. So to the tune of the Beatles “Rocky Raccoon” I give you –
Rocket Racoon by Josh Board/Paul McCartney
Now Star-Lord came from St. Charles, Missouri
But soon met a pilot named Rocket Raccoon
And there was a day Peter’s mom just died
But boy Rocket could fly
Rocky didn’t like no one, he said, “I’m gonna get that guy”
So in this movie they fly into another town
Shooting creatures, looking for the megalomaniac.
Rocket Raccoon, ends up in a hospital room
The crew finds out he is dyin’.
Rocket’s Guardians had come, equipped with laser guns
To shoot up the villains in style.
His rival, it seems…had tweaked his brain and his dreams
And killed all the animals he was friends with.
There was an otter named Lylla
And everyone knew the walrus as Teefs.
The animal we adored, who called herself Floor
And in the next room, there was experimenting.
Rocky bursted out, and he started to shout
But the Evolutionary said “You will be put down!”
But Rocket’s friends were shot, and he got really hot
And he tackled the one evil master.
Now, this doctor got scratched
And had a new skin face mask
He said, “Rocket, you met your match.”
And Rocket said, “Let’s save these kids, and the animals that were snatched.”
And now Rocket Raccoon, and all of his crew
Try to rescue them all if they are able.
Another villain was saved, from an early grave
And helped good Rocky’s Guardians, oh, ooh, yeah yeah.
Come on Rocky boy…do do do do do…
Come on Rocky boy….do do do do do…
The movie gets 2 stars out of 5. I’ll give my songwriting attempt 1 ½ stars, and hope the McCartney estate doesn’t sue me.